CRACK JOKES

Scottish Humour
- English, Irish, Scots...Americans

Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
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Je veux rire, je veux rigoler, je veux vivre avec simplicité.

Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
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Je veux rire, je veux rigoler, je veux vivre avec simplicité.

Irish I wouldWife
At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
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Je veux rire, je veux rigoler, je veux vivre avec simplicité.

Shopping
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."
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Je veux rire, je veux rigoler, je veux vivre avec simplicité.

Inscrit le : 10 Mar 2006 Messages : 73 Localisation : Toulouse France

My Dad Makes More Money!

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him 50.Euros

The second boys says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him 100.Eur

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!

Inscrit le : 10 Mar 2006 Messages : 73 Localisation : Toulouse France

Confusing!

Once upon a time, there were four people;

Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody. Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it. So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place

A little boy wanted $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50.When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to forward it to the President of the United States as a joke. The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $20 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $20 bill, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the White House in Washington, DC ...and those assholes deducted $30.00 in taxes.
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Je veux rire, je veux rigoler, je veux vivre avec simplicité.

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!
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Je veux rire, je veux rigoler, je veux vivre avec simplicité.